Sharing the journey Part III

I want to expound on the feelings of anxiety that I experienced during our evaluation process of our journey.  I was so incredibly scared at this time in my life.  I bargained and pleaded with the Lord.  I really wanted Heavenly Father to say, "okay, since you said it nicely, you have suffered enough and your little Emma is fine now."  Wouldn't it be nice if that worked! 

I was in an unlit room where I was trying to frantically find a way out.  I didn't know what direction to go, I didn't know how big a problem my baby had, I didn't know if she would ever walk or talk or stop drooling.  I was not in control of getting out of this room.  I am a person who needs to have some kind of control over what is happening to me.  I was in such a panic state to get out of this room that couldn't focus on anything but, "God, let her be okay.  God, let her be okay.  God, let her be okay..............................

Think about that, your beautiful baby girl that you have made plans for and imagined her babies, is now being worked over by so many professionals that cannot pin-point what the problem is or why it is.  So, if you don't know what or why the problem is, you probably don't know what the future holds.  Many tears were shed over what her capabilities would be.  The most encouraging thing people could say was, "we can make her the best Emma she can be."  Thanks, but that ain't cuttin it!  All I wanted to hear was, "if you do xyz everyday at 11:30 THEN she will be normal."  When all I wanted to know was she will catch up with her peers, "the best Emma" wasn't enough.

Rob reminds me on the difficult days, "see, and you didn't think she would ever walk!"  That is true, I didn't know if she would ever walk.  She finally did at 20 months and that brought a renewed hope that maybe just maybe she could be catching up!  She would say some words, momma, dada, ball.  Maybe she could be catching up--nope, the speech therapist was quick to explain away my hopes.  Emma would use the same three words to answer every question and that was not developmentally correct. 

Somewhere around these in home visits, I had a therapy session with our occupational therapist.  Do these professionals that work with parents of special needs children get it?  Do these therapists think about the words coming out of there mouths and the lasting effects they have on parents?  Do any of these therapists have children or special needs children of their own?  I was not looking for sugar coating however, I was in a situation I knew nothing about and was looking for care and compassion in the delivery of each and every opinion that was spouted to me.  Some visits from therapists would leave me in tears.  I cry easily but when you find yourself crying in front of the same people repeatedly, it gets humiliating.  It gets frustrating that the lack of compassion is so great.  This of course is not true of every therapist however, emotions are raw and your whole being is tender.

I was told that some therapists found "Emma's mom is in denial".  Which Emma?  Emma Gardner's mom?  I was the one who initiated these treatments, I was the one who brought my child into be worked over.  I was the one who finally started questioning what I was being told.  I knew and know Emma best.  Maybe I actually started challenging their opinions against what I saw my baby do at home.  Denial!  Pffft!  I will take these size 12's and stop right on through your river of Denial, baby!