Sharing Part IV

Through sharing this experience I have already learned some things that are really exciting.  Looking back over the past few years I am seeing things from a more present experience.  I see it with more calm eyes.  I can recall these scenes in my mind and see the anxious mom that doesn't know how to find the words to tell the therapists what she feels and that she would like them to leave.  I can see the happy baby and still feel the joy that mom felt.  I remember all of it.  It feels better now than it did then, we have come a long way.

Rob made an observation the other day.  We have this witty banter that my memory/mind is like a vault, I keep everything there, I remember almost everything.  Rob said, "that steel trap serves you well in so many uses, but for these types of feelings, I imagine it is more painful because you remember all of these things so well. I am sure your thoughts are helping others, and it is a good reminder for me of all the things on your mind. (I am glad I forget things more easily in some instances).  I cannot say that it doesn't hurt or make me cry to almost sobbing sometimes while writing this but I do remember these experiences.

I remember when I realized that these therapy visits for my sweet girl would be lasting.  I don't recall sharing much of my pain with my mom until one particular day.  I hadn't planned or plotted this conversation, I in fact, had no idea it was coming.  My mom, Emma, and I went out to lunch with the girls, my aunt and her daughters.  We lunched together and then on our way to shop, Mom and I were alone in the car with Emma and I broke down and confessed my fears and sadness.  We cried, we planned on doing the best we could to get Emma where she could be.  We tried the best we could to hide our tears from the girls but my mom was affected.  I knew my mom was hurting for her girl just as I was hurting for mine.  Wow!  How powerful to see the ripple in the pond, to know that my suffering was her suffering.  I cannot imagine what it must be like for my mom to watch me go through this experience.  I only know how gut wrenching it is to watch my child go through her experience and it ain't a walk in the park!

I think alot about how Rob has a sister with Down Syndrome and how I really thought that we had a pass since Rob had this experience in his life already.  I am understanding that the experience Rob had as a brother was nothing like the experience he is having as a father.  I also think ALOT about poor Emma having to deal with such an impatient mom.  Poor Emma has to deal with her own frustrations of not making me understand the things she is here to teach me.  She is here to teach me.  LOTS!  We are in it for the long haul, Emma and I and it might be safe to say that one day she will wear a size 12 also.