I am sad today

We have made the decision that our family of five will remain a family of five.  This has been difficult for me.  I would have another baby in a minute if I could have a guarantee that everything would be normal.  Today with the rates of autism so high and with the possibility of not knowing if something is wrong, it is a risk that my heart just can't take.  We are blessed.  We have three amazing children.  We are happy.

We got rid of our crib a few months back.  I should say Rob got rid of it.  It was kinda sad for me to let go.  But, it is gone and I am still standing so that's great!  I have been taking some clothes to a re-sale shop close by and today it hit me hard.  I was folding those yummy little sleepers that used to lay on my chest full of chubby baby breathing those little breaths.  I wanted to cry.  I folded the kimono/potato sacks that held my fresh new babies with their little froggy legs still bent from being inside of me.  I wanted to cry.  Everything into a sack.  Everything to pass onto another Mommy that will love her baby as I have loved mine.

I have replaced the crib with a big boy bed, a big girl bed, and finally a big boy bed.  I have put little swaddling blankets into tubs and now sent them on to warm other babes.  I have washed and packed baby and toddler clothes to help another on their ever-too-quick journey of raising their children.  I will make new blankets for big beds that may go away to school or missions or apartments.  I will put big brother's clothes into little brother's drawers and how excited he will be to be just like his brother. 

I will be fine but I will cry some today.  I will be void of most all of the baby things that I depended on to raise up my babies.  Now I must prepare for teenagers and an increase in sass.  I will find joy in this journey also.  I will miss the sweet milky breath smell and enjoy the puppy dog smell of little boys.  I will try to adjust to the stinky pre-teen sweaty shoe smell and watch him evolve.  I love being a mom, even if it makes me sad and cry a little.  I am growing up too!